Talking Is an Art Form. Does That Make Mimes Low Art?

It’s been months since my last post, and I apologize if anyone was waiting.  I’m bad at regular updates.  Mainly I didn’t want to leave my bitchy, angry, cranky post as the last taste in your mouth.  The last taste should be dessert anyway.  So now 20 lbs. fatter and a few inches wider, I return to help the worried and hapless make friends on Grommr.

I think I will pick up where I originally left off and talk about conversations and keeping them afloat like the Kon Tiki instead of afloat like the Lusitania.  (History, we are you!)

MAKING CONVERSATION

I know this seems like a stupid topic to some people.  “It’s not THAT hard to talk to people!”  But if that was so, wouldn’t everyone be friends already?  And while you’re humming the melody of “Imagine,” I’ll start out by stating the obvious.  Readers of this blog know this means a frownie face sticker on the forehead for me.  I’ll wear it with pride.

Conversation is a two-way street.

Even the people who talk to themselves have a voice in their head that responds.

So if you’re having conversations where you’re doing all the work (a pet peeve of mine), something is rotten in the state of Denmark.

The best kind of conversation is one where all parties have input.  You don’t like being left out of the discussion, so try to give something that the person you’re conversing with can grab onto and expand on.

It’s hard to add on to things like “lol,” “haha,” “thanks,” “okay,” and “yeah.”

It’s like a game of ping pong.  Don’t drop the ball.  Return the shot.  If someone gives you a compliment, say “Thank you.  I worked hard for it.  Do you think...?”  Blahdeeblahdeeblah.  Just keep the lines open.  Don’t let the conversation drop and hang there like an awkward dead man on the gallows in your living room.  That’s not fun.

The point is, try to return the favor.  Compliment them in return.  Explain how you got there.  Ask for their opinion on something else.  Rapport.  Rapport.  Rapport.

For those who might not know, rapport is a friendly bond or relationship between two people.

It’s give and take.  All conversation is give and take.

Now here’s something that I’m sure more of you want to know about.

How do you ditch a bad conversation?

Simple answer: Let it die out naturally.

Conversations are almost like organic beings.  They live, breathe, grow, and take on a life of their own.  How many times do you hear “The conversation didn’t go the way I expected it to?”  Conversations are alive in a way.  That also means that ones that are sick or weak will die.  Often painlessly and without further ceremony.  The person is hardly likely to contact you again.  So you can relax.  If the conversation sucks, you can be sure it will curl up and die soon, and you won’t be left cleaning up a smear campaign.

Breathe easy.  It’s just a few words between people.

What do you do if someone insults you?

Drop it.

Move on.

Don’t fight back.

Just walk away.

It’s only the internet.

Delete message.

To sum up, conversation requires both parties to provide some form of input.  Don’t be afraid to ask questions, tell stories, and get the other party involved.  One word responses murder conversation, so DON’T USE THEM.  Make an effort.  Show the other person you care.

If the conversation sucks more than a baby on a pacifier, just let it taper off.  It’ll do that on its own.  Relax and find more people to talk to.

If someone insults you, just drop the issue, delete message, and move on.  You’ve got nothing to prove to anyone who insults you.  Their loss.

I hope this can help you start to share your lives with people you want to be friends with.  Friends start with sharing.  If you don’t want to share, don’t look for friends or relationships.  You’re in the wrong place.

Just keep the ball (and bellies) rolling.

Asbestos insulation, brine shrimp, the cryogenically frozen head of Walt Disney, a dromedary, and a Eurocentric view of world history

Bigdreamer

P.S.  If you got the two Daria references, you get gold stars!

B Should Be for Bigdreamer's Blog, Not Boredom

Finally back!  I had a whirlwind of a fortnight so forgive the long delay between posts.  Once again, thank you for reading.  Now it’s back to our regularly scheduled nomming, gnashing, and nattering.

Today’s post is inspired by a quote from Grommr member, Gridlock, who so elegantly decreed “If you’re bored, you’re boring.  No one wants to read that.”

I couldn’t have put it better myself.

But I’m going to try, dammit!

STOPPING BOREDOM

If you’re like most guys, you must spend hours on Grommr.  And despite its archive of bellies and general bemoaning of how fat one has become, it’s not a site designed to provide activity.  Unless your activity involves a good deal of stroking and groaning...

So things get a bit boring.  Maybe you’re between sessions, I don’t know.  What I do know is that you don’t need to advertise the fact.

I think most guys post about their boredom in a desperate attempt to rev up interest in the fatty masses.  But how many of those posts go unanswered?  I’m no statistician, but I think I can say a shit ton of them do.

The ones that are answered are only done so by other bored members.  Then they are boring together.  It’s like watching two stick figures ask each other “What do YOU want to do today?” in a loop.

SAMPLE CONVERSATION:

First Fatty: haha I’m bored.  (Seriously.  Why the fuck are you laughing if you are bored?)

Second Fatty: haha me too.  (Let’s all laugh at nothing.  Maybe someone will get insulted.)

First: ur hot.  (There has to be some level of chat-speak I imagine.)

Second: Thanks. (It will never be reciprocated.  Law of the jungle.)

First: haha (Seriously?!  Stop pretending you are funny.)

Second: lol (Oh look.  Variety.  *gags*)

First: I’m still bored.  (SHOCKER!)

And the conversation dies here.  No...I lied.  The conversation never lived.

I get it.  Nothing is going on right now.  You are busy jerking to two-dimensional fatties.  But something must have happened today.  Or this week.  Or this month.  If it didn’t, you are a sad person.  Fix it.

Go for a walk.  Listen to music.  Read a book.  That’s what art is for, dummy.

Bored=boring.  It’s a standard equation in the Grommr universe.  If you give off the impression that there is nothing interesting in your life, that means there is nothing interesting about YOU. Bye bye fatty chat.

Here are some common sense tips to remedy your urge to complain about boredom:

1) Did you go to work today?  Did you have a good day?  Bad day?  A bitchy customer?  A mishap?  Everyone has a bad work story.  Everyone has a great one too.  If something happened at work, share it.  It’s better than the alternative.  And no...you don’t need to give us details of where you work and what you do.  Just go for the juicy bits.  People relate to conflict.

2) Did you see something interesting in the news?  Hear some great music?  See a good movie?  Read a great book?  See a funny meme?  By all means, share that.

3) Did your pet do something stupid and funny in the past few days?  America’s Funniest Home Videos made an empire off of those.  Post about it!

4) How about the weather?  Is it really awful?  Did a tree fall over and miss an old lady by a hair?  Is it so hot that eggs are frying in the refrigerator?  Is the sun shining and you are spending your time indoors trying to psychically force a penis to show up?

5) How is your belly doing (if you have one)?  Make any new milestones?  How does it feel?  How are your clothes fitting?

6) Ask a question.  NOT A SKYPE REQUEST!  Go back to the post before this and beg for forgiveness.  Just ask a general question.  Is there something about our community that’s been bugging your brain?  Or how about life in general?

The growing number of suggestions should show you that there is plenty to talk about if you open your brain.  If you couldn’t answer any of my questions, your life is pathetic.  Go outside and do something.  If you want something interesting to talk about, you need to do something.  Monotony isn’t sexy.

And if you STILL have nothing to say, DON’T SAY ANYTHING.

It might be better to get off Grommr for the time being and do something else.  You never know what will happen, but it has to be more interesting than complaining.

Those that complain about boredom get fed to my pet sharks.

That’ll give them something to talk about.

In the immortal words of Gridlock, “if you’re bored, you’re boring.  No one wants to read that.”

Touché!

Sugar and spice and potatoes baked twice,

Bigdreamer

Fifty Million Ways to Say Hello...and You Chose "SKYPE?!"

First, I want to take a moment to thank everyone who has read my blog (short though it is) and a HUGE special thanks to gradeabeefy, TheGingerDoctor, and Grommr for promoting it.  You all receive gold stars and a belly rub from me.  Now to the main course…

THE FIRST HELLO

Your profile is now in neat and shining order.  You are ready to go out and tackle Grommr.  You go on the Global Newsfeed…and are suddenly overrun with posts and statuses and comments and general hullabaloo.  Your first instinct?  Probably to run away and scream.  Second instinct?  Stay put and scream so people will stop and notice you.  DON’T DO THIS.

Resist the urge!  The amount of newbies I see that yell for Skype or delineate their “need” for a boyfriend in a pathetic pastiche of an online dating site makes me want to cry.

The gaining world is a culture unto itself.  To people who are not into the scene, it looks like a backwards, foreign land.  But it’s not.  It’s just a culture that differs from their ideals.

When you want to initiate contact on Grommr, think of it as if you are in a new place that you have never visited before.  If you want to start a positive experience with the “locals,” would you jump up and down babbling at people?  No, you wouldn’t.

And if you would, post that shit on YouTube.

How would you cultivate a positive impression with a local in real life?

You would offer a handshake and say hello.

THE IDEA!

I swear some guys are allergic to the word hello.

Really…It’s as simple as that.  Don’t pretend that we care about what you are looking for in a partner.  We really don’t.  Don’t assume that we all have huge boners and want to show them off.

If you open your Grommr experience with either of those, chances are we will droop faster than Myspace’s popularity.

Just say “Hello, how is everyone doing today?”

And make sure you spell everything properly.  Poor spelling and grammar are the ultimate conversation killers.

Questions are okay.  Go ahead and ask how to operate this site.  People will reach out to you and help you, because you are showing an interest in this community.

HOWEVER, don’t make requests right off the bat.  We don’t know you yet.  This community is trying to unite and build trust.  The relationships most of us want to build are trust-based.  You could be my mother trying to spy on me for all I know!

Nothing beats a genuine “Hello.  How are you?”  Even people in the worst moods will respond more gently to someone showing concern.  And if someone does, be sure to reply!  This is an important chance for you to establish contact with another member.  Use your manners.  Yes, all those annoying things your mother said about saying “please” and “thank you” apply to the online world.  You’ll cultivate a much more positive impression of yourself.

And you are not required to talk about bellies from the get-go.  You joined Grommr.  It’s a fucking given that you like them.

Restating the obvious earns two demerits and frownie-face sticker. L

Then it’s time to go out and comment on other members’ statuses.  DON’T SPAM THEM.  Respond to the posts that appeal to you.  And don’t be like this one guy on Grommr who would go around and post THE EXACT SAME COMMENT on every status.  Seriously?  Do you think we are so fucked up that we can’t tell what you are doing?

Remember you are talking to PEOPLE.  Not sex toys.

Spamming statuses earns you five demerits and a rubber stamp to the forehead.

I know most of this is common sense and stating the obvious (I am wearing the frownie-face was we speak), but if I don’t establish the basics, then we will get nowhere fast.  Bear with me.

I want you to imagine Grommr like a big party with no alcohol (Yes, I had to put that in there.  Booze breaks barriers, but on Grommr, people have them so I need to give you a social situation with barriers).  How do you mingle with people?  If you’ve never mingled before in your life, then go back to the top of this post and read very carefully.

Small talk.  Small talk.  Small talk.

Simply put, interact with other members using more general topics of conversation.  Someone will inevitably talk about the weather, their job, their home, etc.  If you can find a commonality, post a polite (MANNERS!!!) response.  Nine times out of ten, you will receive a response.  Then you can reply back.  And so on and so on…Voila!  Rapport!  And you didn’t have to shame yourself doing it!

I know you want to chat about bellies.  We all do.  The conversations will naturally fall that way.  It won’t take long.  It’s a Murphy’s Law at this point.

However, I have found that when I lead with the gaining foot (complimenting a gain or a gut, offering encouragement, etc.) I get next to no response.  Don’t force it.  The fat chat will come to you.

PATIENCE! (I know it’s hard, but the pictures will help relieve the tension.)

What I want you newbies (and some of you hitherto unnamed Skype-requesters) to practice is RESPECT and TACT.  It’s not that difficult.  Lead with your big head first.  Not the little one.  It won’t be easy on Grommr but it’s worth it.  The friends you will make will be much better than the fuzzy, it-might-be-a-penis that you won’t really see on cam.  The real guys are better.

Unsolicited Skype requests earn you a bitch slap and this face.

Don’t mock this face.  Sophia is packing heat out of frame.  She will cut a bitch.

Cheers, spears, and fresh newbie tears

Bigdreamer

The Death of the Big Blank Box

In the last post, I established my house rules.

Now here is the actual meat of the blog (the food imagery will continue for the duration of this blog’s existence).

THE PROFILE

I cannot enumerate the amount of profiles I see that read “I hate filling these things out” or “I never know what to put here.”  Yes, you do.  Talk about yourself.  It’s not that hard.  You know what that kind of profile says to a lot of guys?  “I really don’t care about this place.  Don’t talk to me.”  Your profile is a very effective instrument in attracting the right sort of person you want to talk to.  It’s practically the only conversational tool on Grommr that you have complete control over.

Take a look at it.  Ask yourself: “Do I want to talk to this person?”  Be impartial.  Do you have anything in your profile that would entice someone to talk to you?  I always try to find an alternate conversation link with someone.  We all have belly love in common.  That doesn’t make it the best foot to lead with.  That’s why Grommr includes things like “Favorite books/movies/music, etc.”  It’s there to help facilitate conversations.  We want to get to know you.  We want to know that you are a real person with real interests.

I once started a long conversation with a guy shortly after Grommr started that began with me asking what he designed.  He put in his profile that he was a designer and this gave me a chance to ask him a question that had nothing to do with gaining.  I stood out from the crowd so he responded in a much more detailed fashion than he would have otherwise.

A year later, we are very close friends.  We even collaborated on a project together.  All because of what he put in his profile. 

Literally.  The entire process of our friendship boiled down to him putting just one personal word in his profile.

That’s where the potential lies.  Hundreds of guys scan through hundreds of profiles each day, trying to make the most out of the limited number of messaging opportunities they have (given that most of our members are under the regular Grommr package).  Most are lured in by a picture.  But what do they do then?  They look at your profile.  That’s where the decisions are made. 

Remember: On the profile page are the buttons for both private message and wall posting.  It is your profile that helps a potential friend/partner decide whether or not to talk to you.

So make it interesting and enticing.

Here’s some tips on how to do it without revealing too much about yourself (since I know a lot of guys are worried about being discovered):

1)      I recently added on my profile something called “Ten Icebreakers.”  They are a list of ten odd/funny/interesting facts about me and my life designed to help people get to know me and start a conversation.  Feel free to look at them.  A lot of my recent conversations now begin with something relating to those icebreakers.  They are an easy way to introduce people to you.  And you get to be in control of what you share.

2)      Do you have any pets?  Pets and animals are a great way to establish common ties with other people.  Even if you don’t see eye-to-eye on many things, you will able to find common ground with your beloved animals.  And pets are a safe mention if you are worried about oversharing.  If you say you have a dog, so do millions of other people.

3)      Tell a story.  I’m sure everyone’s got a funny or interesting fat guy sighting in them.  Share it!  It provides a link with our site (mmmmmmmm bellies) and it’s a personable way of sharing your story as well.  No one can tell your story like you can.

Your profile is the place to tell us about you.  Don’t be afraid to use it and don’t skimp on it either.  You aren’t using Grommr’s services to their full potential if you do that.

Now I’m going to address those profiles with ground rules.

We all know them.  The ones with restrictions on how to deal with the person who made the profile.

First things first, KNOW THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN GUIDELINES AND BIGOTRY.

There are two sorts of profiles that do this.  Some are the frustrated guys trying to change their Grommr experience.  They have been stuck with numerous conversations that don’t agree with them.  Therefore, they put guidelines on their profile (right at the top so you can see them).  These are not restrictions in the ordinary sense of the word.  They don’t inhibit conversation.  They are a request to alter the quality of the conversations.  These guys want to make friends.  Even though they look intimidating (one of my best Grommr friends has a big list on his profile and it used to intimidate me), these members just want to have a positive experience.  Follow their guidelines.  They won’t restrict you from saying hello.  But if you want to make friends with them, you have to understand what they want.

Then there are the profiles who demand that no one of a certain age/race/look even contact them.

Dump those.  That’s bigotry.

You can have a type that you want to date, but don’t be a shithead about conversation.

It certainly won’t make me talk to you.

To sum up, your profile is a valuable tool.  Use it.  The quality of your conversations depends on what you put out about yourself as well.  Give and take.  That is the soul of human interaction.  Take the extra effort to polish up your profile and attract the guys you want to attract.

If you are looking for friendship, that’s where you start.

If you are looking for porn, there’s a tumblr for that.

Next time, I’ll talk about initiating a conversation with someone new.  Please put your Skype or cam requests in the garbage under the food wrappers.  There will be none of that here.

Shoes, ships, sealing wax, cabbages, and kings

Bigdreamer

Welcomes and Warnings

So…you finally bit the bullet and joined Grommr.  Mazeltov!  You are probably initially overwhelmed by the number of profiles, the flurry of posts, and the moth-like swarms of people around certain gainers.  Or you see a really hot, popular guy on the site and want to muster up the courage to talk to him.  What do you say?  Does it matter how you say it?  What would be better: a wall post or a private message?  You might have a million questions.

Here I will try to answer them.

The name’s bigdreamer.  I’ve had the distinct pleasure (I consider the opportunity to speak with my friends an honor) to have made some really incredible friends on Grommr.  Real friends.  Guys who I would gladly call my friends in real life.  Our friendships extend beyond gaining and encouraging.  And every day, I talk to someone new and make another friend.  I have even been crazy enough to establish real world business contacts on Grommr.  This doesn’t make me an expert of friend making (God knows I’ve lost friends over time), but it gives me an interest to help guys find their place in our community and give them a positive experience.

Literally seconds before I started writing this post, a member posted on the newsfeed a question about the secret of being popular on Grommr.  I responded with “being genuine, showing respect, using tact.”  That’s the backbone of this blog.

Here I will try my best to share with you the secrets of navigating a social network without getting devoured by the Grommr sharks.  I will post topics such as how to make effective contact with another member, how your profile is actually a HUGE factor to your friendship, how to transition from Grommr friends to *gasp* Facebook friends, and more.  Hopefully we can garner enough interest to have other members share their stories.

First things first…Ground Rules of the Blog.

1)      This blog is not about getting a hook-up.  This is not a lesson on how to get a guy to jack off to you.  This is a blog for the Grommr members who want to make real, lasting friendships that go beyond our fetish.  This is for the people who want to make more friends.  If you understand the difference, welcome. J

2)      Start any message to me with requests to see pictures or Skype and you will receive an automatic F from the Bigdreamer School of Not Being a Shithead.  All of my gaining progress can be found on my Grommr profile.  Go there.

3)      If you have a problem with anything that’s on this blog, feel free to message me in private.  Any questions or comments I find pertinent to discussion I will address publicly.  If you just want to yell shit at me, do so in private.  I won’t have this become a place for you to vent at or about people.  Keep your dirty laundry indoors.

4)      Please feel free to ask me questions.  I will do my best to answer them.  However, if those questions have anything to do with those I outline in Rule #2, then I will have to rubber stamp the F to your forehead. J

5)      I won’t be a liaison between you and a gainer.  I know lots of guys on Grommr, including some of the “popular” ones and I can tell you that they are generally friendly and humble.  You should be able to make your own contact with them.  Don’t ask me to talk to them for you.  Like I tell the people who work for my production company, I am not an agency.  I don’t represent people.  And on Grommr, I won’t be your representative.

6)      This is not a foolproof system.  This is just general, friendly advice.  Every guy is different and requires a different approach.  Do not use this blog as a Bible for friendships.  You will be led astray like many a follower.

Now that we’ve established the foundation, we can build our house.  In the next post, I’ll be giving tips on how to build and finish your first foray into the gaining world: the profile.

Hearts, stars, and flying unicorn shit,

Bigdreamer