Fifty Million Ways to Say Hello...and You Chose "SKYPE?!"

First, I want to take a moment to thank everyone who has read my blog (short though it is) and a HUGE special thanks to gradeabeefy, TheGingerDoctor, and Grommr for promoting it.  You all receive gold stars and a belly rub from me.  Now to the main course…

THE FIRST HELLO

Your profile is now in neat and shining order.  You are ready to go out and tackle Grommr.  You go on the Global Newsfeed…and are suddenly overrun with posts and statuses and comments and general hullabaloo.  Your first instinct?  Probably to run away and scream.  Second instinct?  Stay put and scream so people will stop and notice you.  DON’T DO THIS.

Resist the urge!  The amount of newbies I see that yell for Skype or delineate their “need” for a boyfriend in a pathetic pastiche of an online dating site makes me want to cry.

The gaining world is a culture unto itself.  To people who are not into the scene, it looks like a backwards, foreign land.  But it’s not.  It’s just a culture that differs from their ideals.

When you want to initiate contact on Grommr, think of it as if you are in a new place that you have never visited before.  If you want to start a positive experience with the “locals,” would you jump up and down babbling at people?  No, you wouldn’t.

And if you would, post that shit on YouTube.

How would you cultivate a positive impression with a local in real life?

You would offer a handshake and say hello.

THE IDEA!

I swear some guys are allergic to the word hello.

Really…It’s as simple as that.  Don’t pretend that we care about what you are looking for in a partner.  We really don’t.  Don’t assume that we all have huge boners and want to show them off.

If you open your Grommr experience with either of those, chances are we will droop faster than Myspace’s popularity.

Just say “Hello, how is everyone doing today?”

And make sure you spell everything properly.  Poor spelling and grammar are the ultimate conversation killers.

Questions are okay.  Go ahead and ask how to operate this site.  People will reach out to you and help you, because you are showing an interest in this community.

HOWEVER, don’t make requests right off the bat.  We don’t know you yet.  This community is trying to unite and build trust.  The relationships most of us want to build are trust-based.  You could be my mother trying to spy on me for all I know!

Nothing beats a genuine “Hello.  How are you?”  Even people in the worst moods will respond more gently to someone showing concern.  And if someone does, be sure to reply!  This is an important chance for you to establish contact with another member.  Use your manners.  Yes, all those annoying things your mother said about saying “please” and “thank you” apply to the online world.  You’ll cultivate a much more positive impression of yourself.

And you are not required to talk about bellies from the get-go.  You joined Grommr.  It’s a fucking given that you like them.

Restating the obvious earns two demerits and frownie-face sticker. L

Then it’s time to go out and comment on other members’ statuses.  DON’T SPAM THEM.  Respond to the posts that appeal to you.  And don’t be like this one guy on Grommr who would go around and post THE EXACT SAME COMMENT on every status.  Seriously?  Do you think we are so fucked up that we can’t tell what you are doing?

Remember you are talking to PEOPLE.  Not sex toys.

Spamming statuses earns you five demerits and a rubber stamp to the forehead.

I know most of this is common sense and stating the obvious (I am wearing the frownie-face was we speak), but if I don’t establish the basics, then we will get nowhere fast.  Bear with me.

I want you to imagine Grommr like a big party with no alcohol (Yes, I had to put that in there.  Booze breaks barriers, but on Grommr, people have them so I need to give you a social situation with barriers).  How do you mingle with people?  If you’ve never mingled before in your life, then go back to the top of this post and read very carefully.

Small talk.  Small talk.  Small talk.

Simply put, interact with other members using more general topics of conversation.  Someone will inevitably talk about the weather, their job, their home, etc.  If you can find a commonality, post a polite (MANNERS!!!) response.  Nine times out of ten, you will receive a response.  Then you can reply back.  And so on and so on…Voila!  Rapport!  And you didn’t have to shame yourself doing it!

I know you want to chat about bellies.  We all do.  The conversations will naturally fall that way.  It won’t take long.  It’s a Murphy’s Law at this point.

However, I have found that when I lead with the gaining foot (complimenting a gain or a gut, offering encouragement, etc.) I get next to no response.  Don’t force it.  The fat chat will come to you.

PATIENCE! (I know it’s hard, but the pictures will help relieve the tension.)

What I want you newbies (and some of you hitherto unnamed Skype-requesters) to practice is RESPECT and TACT.  It’s not that difficult.  Lead with your big head first.  Not the little one.  It won’t be easy on Grommr but it’s worth it.  The friends you will make will be much better than the fuzzy, it-might-be-a-penis that you won’t really see on cam.  The real guys are better.

Unsolicited Skype requests earn you a bitch slap and this face.

Don’t mock this face.  Sophia is packing heat out of frame.  She will cut a bitch.

Cheers, spears, and fresh newbie tears

Bigdreamer

The Death of the Big Blank Box

In the last post, I established my house rules.

Now here is the actual meat of the blog (the food imagery will continue for the duration of this blog’s existence).

THE PROFILE

I cannot enumerate the amount of profiles I see that read “I hate filling these things out” or “I never know what to put here.”  Yes, you do.  Talk about yourself.  It’s not that hard.  You know what that kind of profile says to a lot of guys?  “I really don’t care about this place.  Don’t talk to me.”  Your profile is a very effective instrument in attracting the right sort of person you want to talk to.  It’s practically the only conversational tool on Grommr that you have complete control over.

Take a look at it.  Ask yourself: “Do I want to talk to this person?”  Be impartial.  Do you have anything in your profile that would entice someone to talk to you?  I always try to find an alternate conversation link with someone.  We all have belly love in common.  That doesn’t make it the best foot to lead with.  That’s why Grommr includes things like “Favorite books/movies/music, etc.”  It’s there to help facilitate conversations.  We want to get to know you.  We want to know that you are a real person with real interests.

I once started a long conversation with a guy shortly after Grommr started that began with me asking what he designed.  He put in his profile that he was a designer and this gave me a chance to ask him a question that had nothing to do with gaining.  I stood out from the crowd so he responded in a much more detailed fashion than he would have otherwise.

A year later, we are very close friends.  We even collaborated on a project together.  All because of what he put in his profile. 

Literally.  The entire process of our friendship boiled down to him putting just one personal word in his profile.

That’s where the potential lies.  Hundreds of guys scan through hundreds of profiles each day, trying to make the most out of the limited number of messaging opportunities they have (given that most of our members are under the regular Grommr package).  Most are lured in by a picture.  But what do they do then?  They look at your profile.  That’s where the decisions are made. 

Remember: On the profile page are the buttons for both private message and wall posting.  It is your profile that helps a potential friend/partner decide whether or not to talk to you.

So make it interesting and enticing.

Here’s some tips on how to do it without revealing too much about yourself (since I know a lot of guys are worried about being discovered):

1)      I recently added on my profile something called “Ten Icebreakers.”  They are a list of ten odd/funny/interesting facts about me and my life designed to help people get to know me and start a conversation.  Feel free to look at them.  A lot of my recent conversations now begin with something relating to those icebreakers.  They are an easy way to introduce people to you.  And you get to be in control of what you share.

2)      Do you have any pets?  Pets and animals are a great way to establish common ties with other people.  Even if you don’t see eye-to-eye on many things, you will able to find common ground with your beloved animals.  And pets are a safe mention if you are worried about oversharing.  If you say you have a dog, so do millions of other people.

3)      Tell a story.  I’m sure everyone’s got a funny or interesting fat guy sighting in them.  Share it!  It provides a link with our site (mmmmmmmm bellies) and it’s a personable way of sharing your story as well.  No one can tell your story like you can.

Your profile is the place to tell us about you.  Don’t be afraid to use it and don’t skimp on it either.  You aren’t using Grommr’s services to their full potential if you do that.

Now I’m going to address those profiles with ground rules.

We all know them.  The ones with restrictions on how to deal with the person who made the profile.

First things first, KNOW THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN GUIDELINES AND BIGOTRY.

There are two sorts of profiles that do this.  Some are the frustrated guys trying to change their Grommr experience.  They have been stuck with numerous conversations that don’t agree with them.  Therefore, they put guidelines on their profile (right at the top so you can see them).  These are not restrictions in the ordinary sense of the word.  They don’t inhibit conversation.  They are a request to alter the quality of the conversations.  These guys want to make friends.  Even though they look intimidating (one of my best Grommr friends has a big list on his profile and it used to intimidate me), these members just want to have a positive experience.  Follow their guidelines.  They won’t restrict you from saying hello.  But if you want to make friends with them, you have to understand what they want.

Then there are the profiles who demand that no one of a certain age/race/look even contact them.

Dump those.  That’s bigotry.

You can have a type that you want to date, but don’t be a shithead about conversation.

It certainly won’t make me talk to you.

To sum up, your profile is a valuable tool.  Use it.  The quality of your conversations depends on what you put out about yourself as well.  Give and take.  That is the soul of human interaction.  Take the extra effort to polish up your profile and attract the guys you want to attract.

If you are looking for friendship, that’s where you start.

If you are looking for porn, there’s a tumblr for that.

Next time, I’ll talk about initiating a conversation with someone new.  Please put your Skype or cam requests in the garbage under the food wrappers.  There will be none of that here.

Shoes, ships, sealing wax, cabbages, and kings

Bigdreamer

Welcomes and Warnings

So…you finally bit the bullet and joined Grommr.  Mazeltov!  You are probably initially overwhelmed by the number of profiles, the flurry of posts, and the moth-like swarms of people around certain gainers.  Or you see a really hot, popular guy on the site and want to muster up the courage to talk to him.  What do you say?  Does it matter how you say it?  What would be better: a wall post or a private message?  You might have a million questions.

Here I will try to answer them.

The name’s bigdreamer.  I’ve had the distinct pleasure (I consider the opportunity to speak with my friends an honor) to have made some really incredible friends on Grommr.  Real friends.  Guys who I would gladly call my friends in real life.  Our friendships extend beyond gaining and encouraging.  And every day, I talk to someone new and make another friend.  I have even been crazy enough to establish real world business contacts on Grommr.  This doesn’t make me an expert of friend making (God knows I’ve lost friends over time), but it gives me an interest to help guys find their place in our community and give them a positive experience.

Literally seconds before I started writing this post, a member posted on the newsfeed a question about the secret of being popular on Grommr.  I responded with “being genuine, showing respect, using tact.”  That’s the backbone of this blog.

Here I will try my best to share with you the secrets of navigating a social network without getting devoured by the Grommr sharks.  I will post topics such as how to make effective contact with another member, how your profile is actually a HUGE factor to your friendship, how to transition from Grommr friends to *gasp* Facebook friends, and more.  Hopefully we can garner enough interest to have other members share their stories.

First things first…Ground Rules of the Blog.

1)      This blog is not about getting a hook-up.  This is not a lesson on how to get a guy to jack off to you.  This is a blog for the Grommr members who want to make real, lasting friendships that go beyond our fetish.  This is for the people who want to make more friends.  If you understand the difference, welcome. J

2)      Start any message to me with requests to see pictures or Skype and you will receive an automatic F from the Bigdreamer School of Not Being a Shithead.  All of my gaining progress can be found on my Grommr profile.  Go there.

3)      If you have a problem with anything that’s on this blog, feel free to message me in private.  Any questions or comments I find pertinent to discussion I will address publicly.  If you just want to yell shit at me, do so in private.  I won’t have this become a place for you to vent at or about people.  Keep your dirty laundry indoors.

4)      Please feel free to ask me questions.  I will do my best to answer them.  However, if those questions have anything to do with those I outline in Rule #2, then I will have to rubber stamp the F to your forehead. J

5)      I won’t be a liaison between you and a gainer.  I know lots of guys on Grommr, including some of the “popular” ones and I can tell you that they are generally friendly and humble.  You should be able to make your own contact with them.  Don’t ask me to talk to them for you.  Like I tell the people who work for my production company, I am not an agency.  I don’t represent people.  And on Grommr, I won’t be your representative.

6)      This is not a foolproof system.  This is just general, friendly advice.  Every guy is different and requires a different approach.  Do not use this blog as a Bible for friendships.  You will be led astray like many a follower.

Now that we’ve established the foundation, we can build our house.  In the next post, I’ll be giving tips on how to build and finish your first foray into the gaining world: the profile.

Hearts, stars, and flying unicorn shit,

Bigdreamer